Dorsey Ousted - Madmuldoon takes over Hellraisers

In perhaps the most lurid scandal in Second City history, New York Hellraisers' owner B. Dorsey was stripped of the franchise following revelations about his past. After a front-page story in the New York Post regarding questionable actions by Dorsey in his past, the commissioner's office launched a full-scale investigation. The most damning evidence was uncovered during a search of Lincoln County North Carolina records found here: http://www.contexo.info/Andrew&PatienceDorsey/BenjaminDorsey.htm

Dorsey was charged with adultery in 1806 and then with counterfeiting in 1807. Neither of these offenses would have been sufficient to ban Dorsey. However, this incontroveratable evidence that the Hellraiser owner is at least 123 years old was enough for the commissioner to take action.

"Dorsey never even logs in anymore. He always appeared much younger, and given the team's nickname of Hellraisers, I fear that we've wandered into a netherworld here. We need to move on and madmuldoon is just the owner to take this franchise forward."

Muldoon, the former Prime Minister of New Zealand (1975 to 1984) is expected to push for several rule changes including white uniforms with top hats for umpires, a change to the official signal for a home run (official with both fingers pointed forward held at hips), and a repeal of the ban on tackling baserunners. No word from the Commissioner on the proposed changes.