Friday, May 15, 2009

Honey, would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?

The Arizona Isotopes of Albuquerque hired a new VP of player development heading into this season. Not only did Annie Savoy become the first woman to hold such a title in Second City, she also brought her own unique brand or leadership to player development.

Yank Spencer, the #4 pick in the Season 9 draft, seemed on the path to stardom after going 10-6 with a 3.25 ERA at AA last season. Nineteen year-old Tyler Brown was chosen 12th overall in Season 11 and was off to a great start, allowing just 1 run in 9 and 2/3 innings this year. Tragically, both precocious prospects are now done for the year, sidelined by nerve irritation in their forearms.

Windy City Musings (WCM) crack investigative staff has uncovered some unconventional training methods used with the young 'Topes pitching prospects. Multiple sources have confirmed that "Yank" was told to where garters (flower in the front) on days he was pitching. The younger Brown wasn't quite ready for intimates section, but he was reported to be attempting to breath through his eyelids. Neither training technique is exactly proven, but Savoy is well-respected throughout the game. She may not be anymore however.

Both top prospects exited spring training in fine form. Sources tell WCM that they were told not to mess with the streak. Because wives and girlfriends are not allowed at the 'Topes spring training compound, both young pitchers spent considerable time "by themselves". Upon the season starting, their pitching coaches gave them strict orders to stay away from women ("Women weaken legs" according to Rocky's trainer). Nobody disputes that both players followed orders, but now this previously rare injury. Coincidence? WCM thinks not.

Savoy spoke briefly with WCM for this story, but cut the interview short when our angle became clear. When asked about her innovative training methods, she did share this, "Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games." When asked about the no sex policy, Savoy replied, "The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness." and stormed from the room. Isotopes management refused to comment for the story.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

NKotB Part Three: San Francisco Fightin Friars

HISTORY: This AL West Franchise has resided in Tacoma under 2 different owners, Honolulu under 2 different owners, and now San Francisco under 2 different owners (link to moving from HI to CA story). The previous owner, dsphalinger, was the 5th in the first 5 seasons of the franchise's existence. He took the right approach, built from the ground up, and had the team competitive, finishing over .500 and in 2nd place in each of the past 3 years. Still, this franchise has never made the playoffs. Still the franchise ranks ahead of only 5 others in all-time wins, and is one of just 7 never to make the playoffs.

OUTLOOK: The squad is loaded with home-grown talent. Four top ten draft picks: Mark Hitchcock, Kevin CansecoDude Wheeler, and Rob Ross are on the big league roster (though Canseco is injured). Five others drafted in the first 3 rounds are also on the squad. The team is off to a blazing start, winning 10 of their first 11 to open a 6 game lead on bossmao and Salem, a franchise that's won all 11 division titles.

NAME: While many believe the Fightin Friars moniker to be a shot at the San Diego Padres of MLB, it's actually an astute literary reference made my duece1212. The Friar's Tale is a part of Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales. The story tells of a Friar and a Summoner that do not get along. You see a Summoner is an ecclesiastical court official whose job is to summon. He's essentially the church's version of a process server, or your basic bounty hunter. duece12 actually took literature with Dog the Bounty Hunter in high school, allowing Dog to cheat off of his homework in order to pass the class. So, the moniker is actually has a double meaning aimed largely at poking fun at Dog. Here's hoping Dog doesn't find duece.

Monday, May 4, 2009

NKOtB Part Two: Salt Lake City Salty Sardines

HISTORY: Orabbi is the 7th owner is 12 years for this well-traveled franchise. The last three owners have been one-and-done so let's hope a long-term solution is in place. The team has never made the playoffs enabling it to pick in the top 10 seven times in 11 amateur drafts. Season 10 #2 overall pick Pete Miller is being groomed patiently however and provides hope for the future.

As you may recall, previous owner bigking actually founded the former Wichita franchise before mr_orange muscled his way in and moved the team to Baltimore (http://hbd2ndcity.blogspot.com/2009/01/nkotb-part-two-sacramento-shockers.html). After mr_orange was acquitted of a RICO charge in the matter, bigking left the witness protection program and acquired this franchise, moving it to Sacramento. Following last season, bigking mysteriously disappeared. mr_orange once again denies any foul play.

In any event, the team entered receivership. That's when sardine magnet orabbi stepped in to take ownership.

OUTLOOK: Orabbi has decided that the team needs a re-building and he couldn't be more right. Several top veterans have been moved and a youth movement is surely at hand. Orabbi recently traded Livan Suarez to Las Vegas, breaking up the fabulous Suarez brothers. Expect a slow crawl back to contention as the youth movement is given time to succeed.

NAME: Orabbi made his fortune selling "sardines" to locals. His secret recipe has no peer, but theories abound. Orabbi reportedly produces the sardines from brine shrimp native to Great Salt Lake. However, various local reports say that his shrimp come only from the pink waters of Gunnison Bay, the saltiest portion of the lake. Gunnison Bay is saltier due to the 1904 construction of the Lucin Cutoff, a rail bridge across the lake. Orabbi's great-great grandfather allegedly discovered that extra-salty shrimp from Gunnison could be processed into a sardine-like product (even though it's shrimp rather than fish). Locals go nuts for the stuff, but nobody else can figure out how to make it so Orabbi's annual 15% price hike does little to slow sales. He's now invested the profits into the franchise.

Friday, May 1, 2009

New Kids on the Block, Part One: Houston gamblers

HISTORY: mdz2221965 is just the 3rd owner in the proud history of this AL South franchise. In fact, the team has never left Texas, playing two years in Arlington before moving to Houston in Season 3. mdz takes over from rudedogg, a 9-year owner that made playoff trips in 5 straight seasons, including a World Series Appearance in Season 4.

The dog however fell on hard times after he was connected to a gambling operation with links to Michael Vick's former Bad Newz Kennels. Suddenly the Houston community didn't feel safe at Heavy Hitter games, and the dogs ridden by monkeys race promotion caused quite a stir. Rather than try to re-hab the team's image, dog sold to mdz who made his fortune franchising Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurants throughout the greater Houston area. His only non-Texas location briefly opened in New York, but closed shortly thereafter due to neighbor complaints.

OUTLOOK: All 555 of Banjo White's HR's have come for the franchise and he teams with Charles Dong to form a bopping duo. Willis Gordon remains one of Second City's greatest closers, but only 1 of last year's starter won 10 games (Adrian Smith with 11). The rotation looks to struggle again and will likely keep the Gamblers from slugging their way to a division title with a big spending Monterrey the pre-season favorite.

NAME: Many believe that the moniker pays homage to the defunct USFL Franchise by the same name. However, mdz is actually paying tribute to his all-time favorite performer - Kenny Rogers. Rogers was in fact hired as the official mascot of the USFL Houston Gamblers and was slated to perform during every half-time. He pulled out however after a dispute about locating a Roasters franchise near the stadium. mdz was of course to be the manager of said franchise. And now you know, the rest of the story.