Thursday, June 5, 2008

Optomitrist fires back!

Sioux Falls Dakota team optometrist Dr. Johan van Gooschveticals has finally issued a statement in response to what he calls the frivolous claims of chicanery by the Monterrey Conquistadors organization against the Dakota.

Former Dakota 1B, and Season 5 MVP runner up (.321-39-142 in Season 5) Chance Moriarty was dealt to the 'Quistas recently. He has struggled mightily all season, posting a .253 average with just 12 HRs since arriving south of the border.

Gooschveticals has been widely criticized for failing to proper diagnose and treat Moriarty's eye condition, apparently brought on by excessive poker playing in Sioux Falls Indian Casinos. "I was none too happy to see Moriarty go. Optometry doesn't pay what it used to and having a patsy like that playing in cash games twice a week really helped my bottom line. But I gave him state-of-the-art eye care." Gooschveticals has twice been named South Dakota optometrist of the year, beating out both other contenders. "I even gave Chance special glasses to wear, but he refuses to play in them." The glasses, pictured above, provide adaptive lenses, easily adjusted by turning one of forty seven knobs depending on the pitch type expected.

Dakota team owner jwendt has identified another possible cause. "Chance is a great guy, but he's prone to certain things. All those cheap tacos and tequilla ... - let's just say, I wouldn't be surprised if Chance has put on a few pounds and maybe spends some late nights with the senioritas. Hey - nothing against that, but seriously, would you wear a mustache like that if you weren't trying to star in a Mexican porn flick?"

Chance Moriarty
Age: 28B/T: L/L
Born: Hydro, OK
Position(s): 1B/LF/DH
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